Sigh

My heart hurts and I can't sleep. I've inadvertently hurt someone that I was trying to help, and I feel upset, confused and,to some extent betrayed. I put in a great deal of work, effort and planning, and due to some bad communication (partly, but not entirely my fault), did not fulfill expectations and caused disapointment and sorrow. -Sigh- I am often tripped up by my own limitations and weaknesses.

I wish I were better at this whole life thing. It is 3:30 am, and I woke up with the blues. I trust I will feel better tomorrow (today), after I have to get busy with all the business life holds.

A Summer of Rejoicing!

I am rejoicing at the birth of a new life! A sweet baby boy, who came early, but just because he didn't need to "bake" as long! He was ready, and came in a peaceful, gentle birth, surrounded by love and familiar voices. Each baby comes with such utter, incredible potential. I love it when parents choose begin to put their children's needs before their own, long before the baby is even born. Our world is filled with such heartbreaking selfishness, that I love every act of love that shines against it.

I will have other babies to rejoice over this summer--but baby Jackson James is the first!

I am rejoicing at my nephew, who was baptised a few weeks ago. He is a wonderful, sweet boy, and the only sadness in my relationship with him is that we live so far apart! I am very proud of him--he has always had a special place in my heart, and that spot just keeps getting bigger as he grows!

I rejoice that I am surrounded by lives that are expanding. This summer I have 4 couples that I love getting married--and I can whole-heartedly support all of them! Even better! I hate to feel like they are making a huge mistake, and of course, there is nothing I can do about it. It is MUCH better to watch my younger friends make such wise decisions in their lives--it brings so much joy--not only to them, but to a huge circle of people who are affected by them.

I rejoice in watching the way the Lord puts the people we need into our lives. Several people that I love are going through deep sorrow, deep pain and hard trials. It is very hard to see the suffering--both physical and emotional of people that I love.

Some of the trials are physical--mortal bodies causing pain, wearing out, or needing major surgery. Some of the trials are the pain of death--of losing someone that they couldn't imagine living without.

Some of the trials are the most painful kinds--not brought on by their own sin or bad choice, but by the rebellion, selfishness and sin of those they love the most--a spouse, a child, one of their "dear beloved".

In the valleys of sorrow in my own life, I have found the sweetest blessings have come to me in the very middle of my deepest trials. Those miracles that happened at the very instant when I needed them most, have deepened my appreciation of, my knowledge of, and my love for the Savior and His atonement as a true force and cause of miracles in my life. I am praying that those miracles, those Moments of Grace will also bless the ones I love. There isn't much else I can do.

Summer Camp

We have begun our annual summer camp. While the big kids do have various "away" camps, one of the high points of summer is our camp that we have at home. We vote on weekly themes, which have included "Harry Potter", "Ancient Egypt", "Dragons" and "Movies". Each of the kids gets to be a counselor for 2 weeks. We plan menus, activities, crafts and movies that fit the themes. It sounds like more work than it actually is--and it keeps all of us (me included!) from turning into lumps of boredom! We have had a great time with it, and my children's creativity continually stuns me!

Good Friends

We just had our meeting of our Fiber Friends Group. What a delightful bunch of ladies! The talk never ends, and the hands stay busy with more projects than one person can imagine.

I love the camaraderie , the knowledge that we are part of something so much bigger and more loving than we could be on our own. We have a new member, since L just moved her mom up here from Florida. She fits right in to our group and has great stories to add to the mix.

Even though skills-wise I feel like a kindergartener plopped down in a graduate school, I love the mental boost it gives me. I feel creative, renewed and invigorated every time we get together.

The Solitude is ending

As gradually as it began (ie. with two people and a WHOLE LOT OF STUFF being transported), my little period of solitude is ending. I picked up the big girls from camp yesterday--and following years of tradition, they immediately took a nap!

I did manage to eat fairly well, and I made sure to leave the house at least once a day (It is not difficult for me to have several days at a time where I do not leave the house when I am alone).

I am very ready for my guys to get back. It has been very peaceful without them, but I am missing them, and I am glad they are coming home today.

The house is mostly back in order, LOTS of good projects have been accomplished, many blogs and MANY books have been read.

What a nice beginning to the summer.

I dream of...blogging?

Yes, it's true. Last night, I dreamed long and repeatedly about blogging...specifically how much my cousin Joe reminds me of Captain Carrot in the DiscWorld books by Terry Pratchett(which, if you haven't read them, PUT THIS BLOG DOWN NOW, AND RUN TO YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY AND START!). Think about it--right height, incredibly straight arrow, good natural leader--Oh my word! JOE is the true king of Ankh-Morpork!

There, now I have blogged it, so tonight, maybe I can actually sleep!

Update on The Solitude

Wow, it is fun! I sleep when I want, I eat when I want . I am trying to remember about eating well, it is going pretty well so far--I have a tendency to eat really badly when I am just feeding myself--"a batch of cookies makes a lovely breakfast, and then I can just eat the leftover cookies for the remaining meals"!, but this time I have had quite a fair bit of protein, fruits and veg, as well as toast (the other food group!)

I have managed to accomplish:

*Build and string a tomato trellis. (Pictures may be forthcoming)
*Clean out the chicken coop and lay down fresh sawdust (which involved HUGE amounts of chicken panic, and a bold--but futile--escape into the garage).
*Cleaned all the piles of junk out of the future chicken yard.
*Updated my Calendar
*Washed and put away LOTS of clothes
*Washed my fabulous sheets--and rejoiced in my fabulous bed!
*Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook
*Watched half of season 1 of "Pushing Daisies"
*Read for fun! And BOY, have I read! I found my new favorite thing-- On the "Robin McKinley" Blog--(the link is to your right and down a bit) on the upper left side is the link to "Pollyanna's Bookshelf"--recommendations from people who like the same types of books that I do! WHOOWEE! It hasn't steered me wrong yet! I just started at the top, and am going down, requesting the books that I haven't read yet from my library.

Which means, over the past two days, I have read (and enjoyed) Audrey, wait! by Robin Benway, I capture the castle by Dodie Smith, two by Gerald Morris The princess, the crone, and the dung-cart knight, and The savage damsel and the dwarf . I am currently reading The perilous gard by Elizabeth MariePope (It's a Newberry Honor book, and she wrote a book I love-The Sherwood Ring, so I have high expectations. I also read a fun one I grabbed off a library shelf-- Fancy white trash by Marjetta Geerling.

Lest you be too stunned by this list, I have to state that I have not gotten ANY form of housecleaning done. Sink FULL of dishes (I'm just eating out of the container, and washing forks as needed), Living room that looks like a small tornado went through it (true--and she has red hair!) vacuuming that is WAY past due. I'm just sayin'!

Let the fun begin!

So here I am at the begining of my days of solitude(yeah, the kind of solitude that merely involves having SmallDaughter and the WonderDog, 24/7 by myself, so technically, not much solitude!) This has come about because my menfolk have gone on a 10 day camping/hiking/whitewater rafting adventure, and my 2 older girls (BigGirl and LargeCousin, who is staying with us all summer while her mom dutifully studies for the Bar Exam) are leaving for a week of camp. Also, best friend K has gone to Texas, to be a DUTIFUL DAUGHTER, because her mom had Ligament Replacement Surgery in her hand. This, despite the fact that K does not do well in heat, and is currently melting like the Wicked Witch of the West. She really is a good daughter.

I will not be bored during the solitude, as I have a list of jobs and projects that is almost a full page long, as well as a bunch of library books for fun. We have also stocked up on popsicles. The bronchitis crud is slowing me down, but I will perservere!

Bleary Day

Today time is doing that oddly jerky cha-cha (slow-fast-slow-slow-fast) that happens when I get really tired. Last night, for the first time in a VERY long time, I stayed up until 4am. In my life, I am frequently up at 4--but it is very different approaching it from the other end, so to speak! The reason I was up so late was a good one--talking and laughing with a couple of friends.

I am coping stunningly well (for me) so far. You must understand that I am an incredibly sleep dependent person. When I get my required number of hours, I am a powerhouse of energy and enthusiasm. That does not actually happen very often, so most of the time, I am in "coping mode", and get through the days in a relatively unscathed fashion. However, when I am sleep deprived, especially if it happens over the course of 2 or more nights, I begin to resemble Grendel's Mother in attitude, sweetness, and (horrifyingly) occasionally in appearance.



(Ironically, I also get a splitting headache when I am really tired!)

Today I have just done my little slogging along in very small steps and written down every single job that needed to be done, because exaustion robs me of the miniscule amount of memory that I have normally. But, plodding along in my little tiny baby steps, I got a wedding announcement rough draft completed, a beautiful bridal veil made (I got to see the dress yesterday--and I can honestly say it is perfectfor her--simple, elegant and classy), some laundry and dishes done--including my sheets* and my whole list of errands run.

It is always amazing to me, how much I can accomplish when I set my timer for 5 minute chunks. AND,--in a house with 2 extremely emotional pre-pubescent girls, one perpetual toddler and a long to-do list, we have all remained cheerful, AND no one has cried or screamed (so far!).

I consider it a triumph.

*Since I am FIRMLY convinced that one of the best feelings in the world is sliding a freshly cleaned body, with sexy clean teeth** into a freshly made bed, with crisp, silky, sunnshine scented (from drying on the line) 400+ thread-count cotton sheets. OOOOHHH!

**Don't laugh--running your tongue over your freshly scrubbed teeth is an incredibly physical sensation--pay attention when you brush your teeth tonight (luxiuriating in simple physical sensations everyday boosts your appreciation of the beauty that is already surrounding you).***

***See--I told you so!

Rejoice!

This week, (thanks to the wonders of the internet) I was finally able to track down a dear friend, that I had lost (cross country moves, coupled with bad communication will do that!). For just a second I wavered--should I call right now? maybe I should wait for a better time? Then I realized--there will never be a better time! I called her, and had a wonderful time catching up.

I am still rejoicing in the marvels of a friendship reborn. Life is too short to miss the chance to tell someone they made your life better.